Prayer in Desperation

“To stay in God’s presence is like swimming in the ocean. Frightening. Powerful. Beautiful. Where answers don’t come easily. Where pain is exposed rather than covered over. Where healing requires transformation.” – Amy Julia Becker

You know that I don’t know how to swim, Lord, but here I am, feeling thrown out into the ocean of oblivion, aimlessly floating, with nowhere to go. Like a castaway with only bare essentials to survive, I fight against the rumbling currents of what-has-been, hoping to stay afloat toward what-could-be.

I cannot see the horizon that awaits me, my supposed destination. Though I know things happen for a reason, I’m just plain confused with my mission. One thing’s for sure though, for now, I have to survive. I still want my life to matter…somehow. I don’t want my life to end this way.

I still believe that I will see Your goodness in the midst of my tragedy. Lord, please show me how to make the best of what I have left and where I am now.

So, help me, Lord, please help me. Because no one else can help me better. I cannot help myself – I’m just at my wits’ end. I have tried every conceivable way to get out of this mess, but it all just leads me back to where I began.

Regrets and hurts, I have plenty. And they’re eating me alive, swallowing me whole. Yet I do not want to live with them so I turn them all to You, my Father and Redeemer, because I cannot deal with them well. Not with my own strength and wisdom…not with my blurry perspective of things.

At this point, my hapless life seems to go around in circles, daring to blaze the unknown but nothing seems to be working out right. At the end of the day, I’m left in the cold, dark corners of my shattered dreams, with my failed attempts to make things better.

With my candle of hope still burning against the strong winds of affliction, I will rise from the ashes. And slowly, ever slowly but surely, I will move on though empty-handed, yet still wholehearted, and open to everything. Help me to work with You, Lord, as You work in me.

I will remain open to every possibilities and challenges that may mold me into the better version that You want me to become. I still believe that I will see Your goodness in the midst of my tragedy. Lord, please show me how to make the best of what I have left and where I am now.

So help me, Lord, please help me. To not only endure this tough season, but also to enjoy it somehow. Help me to learn the lessons that You want me to learn amidst all the pain and suffering that I am now well-acquainted with.

From the depths of my heart to the heights of Your throne, my soul cries out to You alone. Grant me the grace and wisdom to bear the load that You entrusted to me, transforming my every weakness into strength, in ways only You know how. So help me, Lord, please help me.