Sulat Mula Sa Yumaong Ama | Letter from My Dead Father

[Read the English version below]

Isang writing prompt mula sa aklat na “Basic Journalism”  na binili ko noong September 15, 1997 ang nag-mungkahi na gumawa ng liham na hiram ang istilo ng pagsusulat ng isang yumao. Bilang tugon, ginawa ko itong sulat noong ika-19 ng Marso 2000, mahigit tatlong taon matapos yumao ang aming ama.

Photo from http: http://www.photoblog.flanisfot.at

Ika-4 ng Hulyo 2011 –Ito dapat ang ika-57 na kaarawan ni Tatay kung nabubuhay pa siya ngayon.

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Mahal Kong Anak,

Aden, alam kong gustung-gusto mo na tinatawag kitang “anak” dahil minsan lang mangyari yun. Mahirap para sa akin ito –  na iwan kayo at hayaang maghirap ng mas higit pa kaysa noong nabubuhay ako.

Alam ko na gusto mo ng kalayaan na hindi ko naibigay sa iyo gayundin ang pagmamahal, pagkalinga, pang-unawa at pakikinig na inaasam-asam mo ay naipagkait ko sa iyo. Panganay ka at dapat ay naging mabuting halimbawa ako sa iyo, naging isang tao na nais mong tularan at hindi lamang tingalain dahil sa angkin kong katapangan.

Anak, patawarin mo ako sa mga naging pagkukulang ko at mga nagawa ko sa iyo, sa Nanay mo, at sa mga kapatid mo na hindi mo nagustuhan. Ginawa ko lang ang alam kong tama at makabubuti sa inyo. MAHAL KO KAYO kahit na hindi ko nasasabi sa inyo ito ng tuwiran, kahit puro galit lang ang nakikita niyo sa akin kapag nasa bahay ako.

Anak, hindi madali para sa akin na gawin ang sulat para sa iyo pero ginagawa ko pa rin para masabi ko sa iyo ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin sa iyo noon pero di ko nagawa – dahil may kahinaan din ako. Anak, duwag ang Tatay mo…duwag sa sarili kong kahinaan.

Alam mo anak, bago ka ipinanganak, ang dami kong pangarap para sa iyo. Syempre, panganay ka – dapat magandang simulain para sa pagbuo ng isang magandang pamilya. Mahirap lang ang Tatay mo at alam kong hindi ko maibibigay sa iyo ang lahat ng layaw sa mundo, gustuhin ko man ito. Pero ipinangako ko sa sarili ko at sa mata ng Diyos na lalaki kayong may takot sa Kanya at maging karapat-dapat na magpatuloy ng angkan ng Pantonial.

Anak, kumusta nga pala ang Nanay mo? Alam mo inaasahan ko na ganyan nga ang mangyayari. Tipikal na babae ang Nanay mo. Marupok siya. Wala kang maasahang tibay diyan. Hindi siya papipigil sa gusto niyang gawin. Matigas ang ulo ng Nanay mo.

Minahal ko siya sa kabila ng mga pagtatalo namin pero alam ko na noon pa na mangyayari ang ganito. Ipanalangin nyo na lang siya lagi dahil mahirap siyang paligayahin. Kahit na sabihin pa niyang simpleng bagay lang ay sasaya na siya – paimbabaw lang iyon.

Malalim ang pinaghuhugutan ng hinahanap niyang kaligayahan. Hindi mo rin siya masisisi kung bakit siya nagka-ganyan. Marami kasing nangyari sa buhay niya na hindi niya matanggap kaya hanggang ngayon binabalikan pa niya.

Hindi ko ginustong mangyari ito, ang maiwan kayo sa alanganin. Hindi ko ito napaghandaan at lalong higit kayo.

Mabilis tumakbo ang panahon. Mag-ikmat-ikmat ka at baka tuluyan kang maiwan ng agos nito. Piliin mo ang iyong mga laban at huwag mong labanan ang hindi mo kaya pero magsikhay ka para sa ikabubuti mo, ninyong lahat na magkakapatid.

Si Joie ang napagbilinan ko sa inyo pero responsibilidad mo sila. Ikaw ang magsasagwan sa bangkang sinasakyan niyo dito sa malawak at mapag-bagong karagatan ng panahon. Aasahan kita at aasahan ka nila. Diyan, hindi ako nagkamali ng pagpapalaki sa inyo.

Palayain mo ang isip mo sa bulok na kadena ng nakaraan. Umahon kang puno ng sariwang diwa at pagpupunyagi at dalhin mo ito kahit saan ka magpunta.

Manalig ka sa Diyos at huwag na huwag kang bibitiw gaano man kabigat at kasakit ang mga pagsubok na dumarating sa buhay mo. Anak, hanggang dito na lang ang sulat ko. Manalig ka sa kapangyarihan ng pag-ibig gaano man kasalimuot ito.

Mahal kita, Aden, anak ko, at hihintayin kita dito sa langit kapag tapos na ang misyon mo sa lupa. Paalam…hanggang sa muling pagkikita.

Nagmamahal,

Tatay

Related post:

Sulat Para sa Yumaong Ina

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-ENGLISH VERSION-

 “Letter from My Dead Father”

by Adrian Pantonial

A writing prompt from the book “Basic Journalism” which I bought in September 15, 1997 suggested to write a posthumous letter borrowing the style of a dead person. Acting on that premise, I made this letter in March 19, 2000, over three years after our father left us.

July 4, 2011 – My father’s supposed to be 57^th birthday if he were still alive today.

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Dear Son,

Aden, I know you love it so much whenever I call you “son” because that seldom happened. This is so difficult for me – to leave you, my family, and have you suffer more hardships than when I were still alive.

I know that you needed freedom, that I failed to give you along with all the love, caring, understanding and listening that you longed for. You are my oldest child and I should have been a better example to you, someone you could have wanted to emulate and not just someone you admire because I have a strong personality.

Son, please forgive me for everything wrong that I did to you, your mother and to your siblings. I just did what I knew what’s right, and will be good for you all. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH even if I seldom tell you that, even if all you saw from me were hatred whenever I’m home.

Son, I am extremely challenged writing this letter but I’m doing this now to let you know everything that I want to tell you before, but failed to do so because I also have my own weaknesses. Son, I am afraid…afraid of my own weakness.

You know son, before you were born, I have so many dreams for you. Of course, you’re my first child so I should start well to have a great family. Your father is poor and I know that I cannot give you all the luxuries in the world even if I’d want to. But I promised myself and to God that you would all grow up with fear of the Lord and that you will all be worthy to continue the next generation of Pantonial clan.

Son, how’s your mother? You know, I’ve already anticipated that this is what will happen. Your mother is a typical woman. She’s weak. You can’t depend on her for strength. You can’t stop her from doing what she wants to do. She’s a stubborn woman.

I loved her despite of all our quarrels before, but I knew even then that this will happen. Always pray for her because it’s very difficult to make her happy. Even if she’d say that she can be made happy with the simplest things – that’s only superficial.

It’s hard to figure out just exactly what and how much can make her happy. You can’t blame her for being that way. She’s been through a lot that’s why she can’t just accept everything that’s happening even until now.

I didn’t want this to happen, to leave you all hanging. I’m not prepared for this and worst, you are all not ready for this.

Time flies so fast. Be alert because time may slip you by without you knowing it. Choose your battles and don’t fight for something you know you can’t win. But do your best for your own good, for the good of your siblings.

I have talked to Joie about you guys, but it’s your responsibility. You will lead the way for them in this big wide world and throughout the changing times. I am entrusting their welfare to you. In this aspect, I know I didn’t make a mistake in molding your character.

Set your mind free from the rusty chains of the past. Rise up with newness in mind and determination and bring these wherever you go.

Have faith in God and don’t ever let go no matter how heavy nor painful the trials will come in your life. Son, this concludes my letter. Trust in the power of love no matter how complicated it can be sometimes.

I love you, Aden, my son, and I will be waiting for you here in heaven when you’re done with your eartlhy mission. Goodbye…until we see each other again.

Love,

Father